INDECENT PROPOSAL

Now I would like to share with you, in these last days, my people and the council of the wolves a random excerpt from the life of Riddiculus. But this is a heart clenching story, more tragic than that of Romeo and Juliet, even though nobody dies in the end.
It all began when Riddiculus laid eyes upon this this fair maiden from the land of the gowdas, mortal enemies of the Molluscans. Any kind of liaison between these two races was forbidden because God only knows what unholy “potato smash” eating offspring would be purged from the mating of these two morons.
(if you were wondering what “potato smash” was, you’ll have to wait for a later chapter: “BarBQ night word massacre”. I assure you its got nothing to do with potatoes that can smoke pot, unless that’s what he meant. Either ways that’s a story for another day)
Anyway… it was a long long time ago in a kingdom by a coconut tree, (coconuts were staple diet for the molluscans) that a maiden there lived by the name of ro****ree (trust me it rhymes with coconut tree). And there she lived locked up in her mother’s basement with a dream that one day a Molluscan would rescue her from what she pretended was her fortress of solitude, wearing a red cape, playing with crystals. But this dream turns into a nightmare as the story unfolds… because Riddiculus had other plans.
Riddiculus swooped down from the sky like an eagle and rescued his “wimmen”(Don’t ask... “wimmen” is another story) He then confessed his love to her, also he wanted to make her his for all eternity… but for this story to have a point there has to be something different, something magical. As we all wait and watch like little kids watching a superhero, waiting for him to do something awesome; Riddiculus decides to propose to the “wimmen” in the most unconventional way.
By now Riddiculus had learnt certain aspects of human behavior, like the learning computer T-101 (living tissue over metal endoskeleton… and he’s gonna copy your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle.) and he had learnt that a way to a wimmen’s heart by surprising her with a ring.
And on a moonlit night, where the cool breeze that blew from a cloud chilled their jeera water champagne(where normally one would’ve hid the ring), where the air was filled with pixie dust, the silhouette of a potato bun appeared in the moonlight. Yes it was Ridduculus offering his “wimmen” a potato bun. She takes a graceful bite, very lady-like only to find a bootleg DVD of the movie “The Ring”. Her heart broke, for she had expected a wedding ring or at least a genuine copy of the movie.
But Riddiculus with his heightened senses immediately sensed the grief n maintained it off by taking the DVD and sticking it in her ring finger and saying silent nothings... just his coughs and actuallys. But to his dismay, she was a tad bit smarter and didn’t buy it.
Yes… on that moonlit night, the cool breeze that blew out of a cloud chilled… and killed the beautiful “wimmen” from inside…
To this day, potato bun is her kryptonite and she mutters incoherently and slobbers and shakes violently when she sees one…
As all hope seems to be lost, we the wolves the guardians of these secrets, look up to Riddiculus with puppy dog eyes to do something amazing, to join the yin and the yang and to restore cosmic balance.
aaawwwhooooo \m/

PROLOGUE

Normal folk must be wondering as to what all the race n class thingy are all about… and I think it is my duty as one of the chronicles compilers to tell u about his profile. How I managed to escape his wrath I do not know, but now to pay my final debt for being spared, I must tell u what I learnt…

Race: He belongs to the highly esteemed race of Molluscans (the mountain dwelling mole people)… and by mole people I mean people with a mole on their face at a particular spot. Their mission statement “Don’t make a mountain out of a mole hill”… the mole seemed very oddly placed as to obstruct one’s vision… so I had to ask him “ what’s with the mole?”… so he told me that the mole acts like a crosshair so he never misses in a gunfight.

Class: Every Molluscan belongs to a certain class… and the silent n deadliest class of all is the Maintainer… used for espionage n reconnaissance purposes, Riddiculus was a master of deception… He could simply disarm a person’s guard just by fake coughing or by using the word “actually”, sometimes more than once in the same sentence.

His first ever recorded case of maintenance was when he was in the 1^st std… It was a Monday morning school day and the teacher happened to ask for his homework… This was when Riddiculus instinctively fake coughed n said “but actually I thought today is Sunday”, to which the teacher was left baffled as to why he came to school if he thought it was a Sunday or if it was indeed Sunday. Later that same day the teacher took her own life.

Alignment: Alignment here refers to a society he belongs or a moral perspective he adheres to… Riddiculus is aligned Divine-Evil, which makes him the most dangerous walking weapon on earth… unintentionally of course. There have been several instances over the years we’ve known him where he has harmed his best friends just by trying to help them.

One such instant was when he offered to help me by sitting pillion on my bike and carrying a birthday-cake-box which was rectangular in shape. Riddiculus decided that instead of holding it lengthwise, parallel to the bike, it would help to carry it the other way round, only to have it knocked by a tempo n the cake damaged beyond recognition.

Weapon Proficiency: Now this is a tricky one… One wud think that “His Wish” means that he is proficient with any weapon he wishes to use… On the contrary, his weapon is the expression “His Wish”… it is his ultimate comeback to all puns and insults and also answer to many of life’s profound questions… like “Who are we?”, “Why are we born?”, “Where do we go after we die?”, "Is mommy really a vampire?". That’s right my wolf brethren its all “His Wish”…

He’s never careful what he wishes for and he always gets it.

Welcome to the Chronicles of Riddiculous

You may not know who he is, and to protect his identity we cannot tell you who he is either, but we can tell you of his story. He is also known by the name of CONFUCIUS MIND MESSIAH.

Race: Molluscan
Class: Maintainer
Alignment: Divine Evil
Weapon proficiency: His wish.